


In Control

by writingbygab



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: One Shot, character piece, especially amanda, law and order svu, these characters are so much fun to study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:01:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23529565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingbygab/pseuds/writingbygab
Summary: A character piece I decided to write about Amanda Rollins and the time she almost lost the calculated control she has over her life.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	In Control

Amanda was rarely not in control of her life. And when she felt that control not in her immediate grip, she hated it.

This desperate need for control definitely started when she was a kid, during the times she had no control of her life at all. When she would lay on her bed with the covers pulled over her head, trying to find any inkling of control in her mind when her parents were screaming their heads off at each other in the next room. She remembers the time her hands longed for some physical form of control of her life as she gripped her steering wheel so tightly her palms started to burn as she passed her fathers car in the parking lot of a cheap motel off of the highway. Her mother had asked her to go look for him at the bars, completely oblivious to his new hobby he picked up. She told her mother he was just at Roy’s once again – it almost gave her a sentiment of relief in the form of unfamiliar control, even if it was just a believable lie.

When she finally grew up and moved out and started to live an independent life, she started hoarding the intoxicating feeling of control. Whether it was in her life, in her short-lived, calculated relationships, or in the intentional distance she put between her and her family. She soon realized, though, she would never find full independence, full control, until she left the place she had so little of it to begin with. Her move to New York felt like an out of body experience. One that scared her because she never thought she would be one of those girls to move to the Big Apple to find something she never could in the small town she grew up in.

She thought it was a mistake at first, being thrust into a city that moved a mile a minute with flashing lights that made you dizzy at every turn. Eventually, though, she nailed down a routine. She found her favorite coffee shop she would go to in the morning before work, her favorite pizza place she splurged on from time to time, and her favorite bar. She would frequent the latter quite a bit in the beginning, and again later after a case that was harder than usual and she needed to find a way to forget it after hours. She would find solace in the cheap alcohol and, more often than not, a warm mouth that met hers at the end of the night.

Despite the times her family found her in her hiding-spot in a city of millions or when her gambling almost reached a point of no return, she would always eventually find the relief of control in her arms. Gripping onto it tighter and tighter each time it almost slipped away from her. She planned on never letting it go when she got it back after almost losing it again and again. Eventually, the control did have a physical form. One of morning nausea and a positive pregnancy test. As she looked at herself in the mirror after throwing up her dinner from the night before, she promised to give this baby any remaining control she had within her over life. She would do this by herself, assuring that control would always be just in her reach, she wouldn’t have to worry about anything, or anyone, else for that matter.

She didn’t realize that her control was actually slowly and quietly slipping out of her grip and being replaced by a comforting helping-hand for some time until she was leaning in the doorway of the cheap motel in West Virginia. Staring down at her partner who had a look in his eyes, one she has seen many times before, but not _quite_ the same. This look had an extra layer to it, she couldn’t quite place it, but it made her shiver, like the control she had that comforted her like a blanket was suddenly stripped away as she was left to fend for herself out in the cold. A part of her wanted to lean in, to let him and his comfort and warmth take the place of the control she desperately held onto for so long. But she knew that was _reckless_. Their world wasn’t just the two of them in a West Virginia motel – it was Jessie back home, it was their shared job in Manhattan, it was them as partners that didn’t and couldn’t cross this line.

As she embraced the familiar feeling of control when she slipped back into her motel room alone she couldn’t get the look in his eyes out of her head. The one that threatened everything she had built up and worked on for so long to keep herself guarded against the world that has always disappointed her. She pulled out the piece of paper from her pocket with the number that she wasn’t planning on calling, but quickly dials before she can talk herself out of it. She finds the intoxicating feeling of full control fueling her once again in the form of sleeping next to a stranger.

When her partner hands her a coffee and muffin before they go to pick up their perp, he can barely look at her. When she asks how he slept his answer is a short and curt “fine.” She doesn’t know if he’s upset or embarrassed about what had happened, or rather almost happened, or if he saw the bartender leave her room this morning. Either way, she doesn’t ask. As they start on the highway back towards New York she tries to revel in the feeling of control. She quietly assures herself it’s good that she set a controlled line between the two of them. She would hurt him. He would grow to despise her need for control. Instead of harping on what could have been or be, she closes her eyes and does her best to ignore the perpetuating sadness underneath all of the control she has gathered throughout her life.

**Author's Note:**

> this was so much fun to write, i didn't even realize how interesting/complex amanda is until writing this tbh. anywayyy hope you enjoy and hope you all are having a good and safe quarantine.


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